I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
