My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
