i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
