just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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