I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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