Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize