She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
