Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize