I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
