that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
