Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
