I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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