OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
