I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize