i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
