sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
