Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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