I murdered the dance floor call the cops
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
