I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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