dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A+ Viking dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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