we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
