Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your cock deserves a montage
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
