Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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