If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
