I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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