the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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