3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
