i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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