Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
