Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
cat food counts as protein by the way
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
