a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
