I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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