I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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