$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
