I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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