if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We had sex on a dog bed..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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