Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize