For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
