new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
