Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
