what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
