Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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