I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
