Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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