it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
