I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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