I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
how drunk are you?
Several
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
