I got chris browned last night
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize