How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
