this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
