She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
