What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
