420 ftw
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
