I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize