I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
