I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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